Grandparents may be one of the most overlooked supports in the child mental health crisis, according to Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., a Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine. He argues that children need more extended family connection at a time when many parents are raising them with far less community help than before.
Barish says the strain is being felt across the country, where more than 40% of American teenagers report persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness. In his view, the erosion of extended family support has helped fuel the prolonged crisis in child and adolescent mental health identified by the U.S. Surgeon General.
Why family support matters
In his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting, Barish draws on four decades of clinical work, neuroscience, child development research and educational programs for children. His central argument is simple: children benefit when grandparents are present in everyday life, not just as occasional visitors.
“We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now,” Barish says. “Children need grandparents, and they always have.”
He also says American culture has tilted too far toward individual achievement, at the expense of kindness, caring and shared responsibility. That shift, he warns, has made anxiety, depression and substance abuse more common in affluent communities.
Helping others can build purpose
Barish believes children need a sense of purpose that goes beyond personal success. He argues that helping others can improve emotional balance and reduce the pressure that comes from chasing achievement alone.
He cites research reviewed by psychologist Jane Piliavin showing that helping others can lead to improved self-esteem, less depression, lower dropout rates, better immune function and longer life. He recommends volunteering together and starting family conversations early about kindness and understanding other people’s needs and feelings.
According to Barish, those conversations matter just as much as homework and discipline. He says they help children build meaning, purpose and a stronger emotional life.
The grandparent’s role at home
Barish describes grandparents as providers of “molecules of emotional health” because they can offer listening, encouragement and steady attention. He says a child’s belief that someone will listen and understand is a powerful protection against emotional distress.
He adds that children need adults who help them feel less alone, show them that problems can be solved and remind them that relationships can be repaired. Practical support also includes play, fun and enthusiastic interest in a child’s goals and interests.
Criticism can do more damage than praise
One of Barish’s most pointed claims challenges a common assumption in family life. He says the biggest problem he sees is not too much praise, but too much criticism from well-meaning relatives.
“Criticism does not motivate children to work harder,” he says. “Instead, frequent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines children’s initiative and effort.”
He distinguishes between praise that builds resilience and praise that creates fragility, citing Carol Dweck’s idea of a growth mindset. His advice is to praise effort rather than intelligence or talent, and learning rather than grades.
Barish also offers 21 rules for encouraging cooperative behavior, including collaborative problem-solving conversations and giving children a chance to reset instead of relying on punishment. He says helping children and grandchildren succeed is less about teaching skills and more about building confidence, coping with painful feelings and strengthening pride.
He believes that approach can help children work harder, recover faster, show more care toward others and pursue interests with greater enthusiasm and purpose.
